He stood there looking down into the water. His little high top shoes just barely stuck out over the edge of the fountain where he stood. He looked up at the top of the fountain where water spewed from the top. He watched the water as it fell down into the pool below. He seemed fascinated by the splashing and the gentle movement of the water. Then suddenly there was no movement in his body. Still as night. He looked like he might even be holding his breath. I knew this little boy… he was thinking, considering two sides of a coin. I recall thinking to myself at the time, “He’s weighing how much trouble he’s going to get into if he jumps into that water.” Just as I was considering the cost of the shoes (water and leather do not mix when the leather is shoes) and the fact that he was all dressed to go to church, I saw what I knew was probably coming: His choice. He threw his little arms into the air and leaped into the water! Splash! His joy was real. His moment of freedom was so profound. And then it was over. He climbed out and over the side of the fountain pool, dripping wet head to toe. And I heard the call… now he had a dilemma. “Mommy!”
I walked outside from the living room and took his hand. Nothing was said. How could I say anything? How many times had I wanted to do the exact same thing? Many! At last… “Take off your shoes and socks,” I said. He did it. The shoes were going to be ruined. (“Why do they always have on their best shoes when they do this stuff,” I thought.) Then I marched him to the bathroom where all the rest of the wet things were removed. Nothing else was said. I didn’t trust myself to speak. What if I chose the wrong words?
Children need to know that their happiness is a choice. But they also need to understand that for every choice, there is a responsibility, a consequence. If he chose to have fun, he must also think of the people his pleasure impacts. No one exists in a family without affecting all the other members by their actions, or the lack of it.
By the time we had his clothes changed and another pair of shoes to wear, everyone else was antsy to go. I told the others to go ahead to the car. Then for just a moment I sat down with my little adventurous cherub. “Look son,” I began, “it is fun to take a chance and find out what something new will be like. Next time you think this through, would you take off your good shoes?” We both grinned.
Another day, another bro. Much older and still learning about choices. “Mom, a girl asked me to go to the Winter Formal with her.” I looked at his face. It was full of concern and not joy. “Don’t you like her,” I asked. He said he did… that she was a very pretty girl and she was nice. “But Mom, she’s a senior. I’m a freshman. Why is she asking me to go?”
His mind was really working this over.
“I can’t answer this, but she can. You could call her.”
Choices again. Does he call her before he has an answer? Will he hurt her feelings if he says, “No.” Will he fit in with her friend if he says, “Yes.” He is really struggling with this. These were the questions that I thought he might consider. But no. It wasn’t. the wisdom of youth is sometimes astounding.
I could hear him, see him on the phone in the next room. General conversation ensued and then the wisdom of a fourteen year old boy. “Are you aware that I’m only a freshman? You are. Okay, look… I don’t know if you are aware of this but I don’t date yet. I’m pretty busy must finding my way around… And I have a great family and great friends and a good life… being a kid, a guy, is a great time in life for me. You’d be a my first date actually. And once I start dating life is going to change. I will have cross a threshold and I can’t ever go back once I do that. No more being a kid.”
There is silence on his end of the conversation. Then he said, “Can we still be friends if I say I’m not ready to do this? I’m not ready to date. I want more time to value my life where I’m at.” Silence on his end of the phone again… and then he said, “Thanks again for asking me. And I want you to come and get to know my family. They’d really enjoy knowing you.”
They continued to be friends. In fact she came to dinner one night and met one of the other bros… And she asked HIM to the prom! Holy cats! One was not ready to date her or anyone else and the other couldn’t wait to go out with her! He said, “Yes.” But not until he’d had a heavy conversation with his younger brother. After all, he was only going to spend one evening at a dance with her; he had to live with his brother. (“You don’t want me to go, I say no. You’re brother. She’s just a girl.”) And blood is thick, yes?
Everyday all of us make an innumerable number of choices. We choose to go somewhere or we choose to stay at home. We choose to eat or not to eat. We choose to spend or to save. And every one of hose choices affects others. Sometimes our choices are good and sometimes our choices are bad. Either way, we are going to live with them.
May you and your loved ones experience more good choices, than bad!
Best… Carolyn Thomas Temple