I was dead on my feet and I still kept moving. Dead. Still breathing but dead. No real thoughts. Didn’t have a smile. I knew I was breathing and my eyes blinked but still… dead. Still moving. Still tending, still doing what’s required but no rest. That is fatigue. Have you ever been there?
When I’m taking care of some emergency I have no idea why I am dragging the way I am, and I just keep taking care. Then something happens… I do some very weird thing. At that moment, I realize that I need to stop the doing at least for a while.
When my mother was in her final illness, I was staying at the hospital with her at night. I’d come home long enough to take a shower and change clothes, teach piano and then I’d go back. I think it was maybe day twelve of this… I came home, jumped in the shower, finished and started to wipe down the shower walls. I’m doing this and doing this and no progress. I’m thinking, “What the heck!” Then it dawns on me… I have not turned off the water. Fatigue…
Sometimes, like this particular time, I’ve just kept going because my mother needed me. When I would finish for the day and drive home in this state of fatigue (it was an hour’s drive one way), two of the bros took turns talking to me via cell phone to keep me awake. A couple of times they weren’t available; so I did math problems in my head to keep myself awake.
Fatigue. I guess it’s still there and I’m still putting it off.
It’s been about a year since my mother passed to God. At last I thought I’d reached a point where I could sleep. I was doing pretty well. And then last night, I hit a really bad dry spell. As I lie there, I thought of the phrase, “rest in peace.” Coming from my mother and my brother’s perspective, it means eternal life with no more stresses and trials to be faced by living here on earth. For me, and all other humans still breathing, it means eight hours off before we go back to the grind. I wanted that peace so much last night.
And so I lie there waiting for the night’s peace to descend upon me. I did not sleep well. I wanted to sleep well. I tried to sleep well. I even worked at it by taking a soothing bath and drinking some hot herbal tea. I then read from a book that I’m enjoying until my eyelids felt heavy. I slept for three hours; then the ole’ eyes just popped right open. I found myself lying there listening to Hubby’s regular breathing and some crickets out in the courtyard.
My mind just wouldn’t shut down. I thought about the work that awaited me on the following day. I thought about the food that wasn’t and the shopping I had to do. I thought about my students’ needs. I thought about friends in need.
I scolded myself for not relaxing! “Carolyn, what is the matter with you? Knock this off and get to sleep!”
I answered myself, “I’m sorry! I’m trying to go to sleep! Really I am. I want to sleep…” I talked to God. “Oh Lord, why am I wide-awake? Please help me go to sleep… I’ll be a zombie in the morning if I don’t go to sleep right now.”
Breath deep. Regular breathing. Think about… a lake that is calm and quiet and beautiful. Peaceful and calm and quiet… Keep breathing regular and relaxed… and mosquitoes. Mosquitoes rising off the lake to bite innocent, God-fearing people…. People who are trying to go to sleep! RATS! This is not working!
Here is the point where I thought of my brother, Tom, and the phrase, “Rest in Peace.” We’ve almost come full circle. Did I finally get to sleep? Yes. This is how:
I recalled when he and I were children and played cowboys and Indians. I began thinking about those fun memories, which led me to Dale Evans, Queen of the Cowgirls! I remembered her telling us to count good memories instead of sheep, and that this was the best way to go to sleep. So that’s what I did.
I thought about the roof over my head. I thought about the person lying beside me who works so hard to give me this home. I thought about the four sons that we have who are the light of my life. I thought about the good times I’ve had with those four bros, and that I’ve yet to experience. I thought about whatever good thing God has next for me. And, you guessed it… I fell asleep. It was a very restful sleep; and I found enough peace to get me up today with a smile on my face.
May my brother and we all rest in peace, in our perspective places.
Best… Carolyn Thomas Temple