Indiscretions. It is a simple enough word but when the indiscretion is your own, this takes on an entirely new meaning. It points the finger in your face and says, “You either are or you aren’t a person of ethics.”
Let us pursue this with the subject of cars.
As I’ve mentioned before, Hubby LOVES his cars. In fact he loves them so much, if they would fit in the bedroom I would perhaps be in the garage. This said, he is a man who has been humbled more times by accidents to his beloved vehicles than anyone I know. But never by me.
First it was every car on the road in Ohio who chose to aim itself directly at his beautiful Porsche 911Targa, and try to eliminate the engine. It was hit, I believe, three times and had the most expensive fixes ever. I recall one in Ohio… I had just been picked up by my father to go to the church to be married. I am… looking good if I do say so myself. And Bill walks by the car covered in grease, wearing a T-shirt I loathed and jeans that are also covered in grease. He doesn’t see me as he passes not two feet from me in the car. I recall looking up and thinking, “Perhaps I should rethink this marriage thing.”
Then enter our children who shall remain nameless as I recount the numerous hits to their father’s pride and joys. There was the time his car was damaged so badly that it would run but we couldn’t afford the fix to the car because it was just that bad. He drove that car for several years in that horrible condition. (This son hit a tree. He thought his dad would beat him up and let him live to hurt for the rest of his life. Instead Hubby came into the room where the two of us sat, and knelt down next to him … in soft tones he said, “I love you very much. Now you understand that a car is not a toy; it is a weapon in the hands of an irresponsible person. Please don’t be this irresponsible ever again.” He wasn’t… he drove so slow that other parents use to call and ask if their child could ride to school with him… their kids were complaining about how careful he was on the road.)
Another of our sons wrapped his dad’s Thunderbird around a tree over the side of the road in a rain storm. He was lucky he didn’t hurt himself. (He must have angels watching over him that care very much. When I say “wrapped,” the car was literally bent around a tree.) And, amazingly, the insurance company chose not to total it so Hubby drove that car unhappily for an additional several years in substandard condition because it really was never well repaired.
Then same son totaled a car that his dad was helping him buy.
Another of our sons was rear-ended in town by someone who ran a light. This totaled that car too which his father had helped him get. Oh yes, and there was the bus incident… one of our sons was pulling out of a parking space and a city bus came along and clipped the car… the car did not look great after that. Ask me one day what our insurance cost for four boys learning to drive. And then you will know the full extent of Hubby’s humility in these situations.
Now I have been sinless in this venue. But today that all changed.
Hubby has recently bought a new car and just last night sold his Limited Edition 2002 Mustang that is in mint condition. He had spent several hundred dollars having it detailed for the new owner. He loved this car! He was thrilled with the quick sale and good price.
Enter Carolyn… who opens the garage door from the inside of the car and does not see or even know that the new owners did not take the car last night. It is (of course…. and thank you so much, Destiny) sitting just to the right as I pull out of the garage. I honestly did not see it. But I did what I did and there are no excuses.
In our home an apology goes like this: You say you are sorry.. Period!
You do not explain yourself because an apology is not about you. You do not excuse yourself because to do that takes back the “I’m sorry” part. You do not complain because again, an apology is not about you … it is about taking responsibility for yourself in a situation where you were wrong. Even if you were also wronged in the event, that is cared for whenever the other person decides to accept responsibility. You are to take care of YOUR business, not theirs.
So to recap, I would say, throughout our marriage and family, to Hubby and then to our children: “When an apology is made, just say I’m sorry…
Don’t explain, don’t excuse yourself and don’t complain. You are either truly sorry or you are not.”
And now we come to Carolyn The jig is up! The gauntlet has been thrown down! The timer has run out! I have to step up and be counted with all of my sons!
I heard the sound of scrapping and knew immediately what had happened. I pulled the car back into the garage and jumped out to see the damage. My car looked worse, thank God! But the car that has just been detailed and sold the night before? It looked bad!
Immediately I was so upset with myself I could hardly think or breath. I ran into the house and burst into Hubby’s home office. By now I am in tears (Of course… this is what women do… Knock off the laughter!) He is on the phone with a client long distance. He takes one look at me and tells the client he’ll have to call him back, he has a family emergency. I am sobbing deep thick sobs of despair and he is saying, “Where are you hurt!” (Of course he would say that, I’ve just been through two surgeries in barely less than a year.)
At last I am able to say that I have hit his car and that I am so sorry… which of course has me sobbing anew. He folded me into his arms and said nothing. He held me there and rocked me back and forth, until my waterfall of tears was only a trickle. Then he pushed me out and took my face in his hands and said, “Carolyn, let it go. It’s a car, not life.”
Well, that did it… I was sobbing again! He held me for a very long time. And then he said, “Let’s go see the damage.”
One look at his car again and you guessed it… sobbing and sobbing. I hate myself for doing this to something I know he loves!
Well the short end of this story is that he is sucking it up again, as usual. He took this on the chin and went back to work. But before he did that, he said “I accept your apology, do you?” Interesting.
I am looking at a picture just now on my desk of all four of our sons. They are wonderful young men who now have fabulous lives. They did forgive themselves. I need to do the same thing.
If there is one thing that is true about an apology, it’s that the apology is no good if you don’t forgive the other person and yourself as well. Everyone including you has to move on.
So tonight, I forgive myself (reluctantly because the pain of having done this horrible thing is still fresh). I understand that indiscretions are a given in life. More often than not, we screw up instead of doing the perfect thing that would have been best. We learn and teach each other by what we do right and what we do wrong. And one thing is for sure… someone is always watching how we live.
May your cars stay on a straight healthy path.
May your loved ones love you as mine love me.
Best… Carolyn Thomas Temple